Lipstick, Lettuce & Lycra

5 Things I Can't Wear

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by

Retro Chick
in

So, today lets talk about some of the clothes that I CAN’T wear.

I mean “can’t” might be a very strong word. On this list there are clothes that maybe I physically can’t wear because I can’t get into them, but many of them are things that with 20 odd years of fashion experimentation behind me I have decided I just don’t like very much.

One of the reasons I love Fashion, or should I say Clothes, is their total power of transformation. It doesn’t matter if you weigh 7 stone or 17 stone, whether you’re completely happy and comfortable in your body or have an irrational hatred of your thighs, the right clothing has the power to transform and make you feel amazing. It can accentuate the body you love, or cover and disguise the bits you hate. It’s up to you how you approach clothing (as long as you can get stuff you love in your size, but that’s a whole other discussion!)

Having said that, there are things that I would absolutely love to include in my wardrobe that I’ve decided just aren’t for me. Occasionally I’ll try them on in a shop, and instead of the glamour puss we all know and love (*cough*) I’ll see a frumpy old lady staring back at me from the mirror. Some of them just mean I will spend my entire day uncomfortable or with bits of me on show that I would really rather not have on show. Either way, they’re things that I have learnt to avoid when looking for clothing, especially online.

Puff sleeves

Ah, I love puffed sleeves. They look so cute on other people. Sadly I have always had “chunky” arms. There was a while when I cared about that, but I don’t now. My arms are chunky, and yeah, there’s some fat on there, but a lot of it is muscle. I can lift quite heavy things, and if I put the effort in I could lift even more heavy things, while I see people with those upper arms that actually go IN at the elbow that need help carrying their own shopping.

Still, puffed sleeves are cute. A few years ago I got an Olivia blouse from Heyday because I LOVED it so much. See how on the model there is a a little gap between the blouse cuff and her arms? Not on me!

tn_rosy_starlet_olivia_cropped

Mine were so tight that I would spend all evening fidgeting with them on my bicep, to the point I actually gave myself bruises and I needed help to pull them off my arms.  This is not an isolated incident and I had the same problem with this gorgeous Wallis dress. I have several puffed sleeved items that came with button cuffs that I have to wear with the buttons undone.

So it’s true, I physically actually cannot wear puffed sleeves.

High Street pencil dresses

Many times in my life when I have been looking for a divine dress for a special occasion people have pulled out pictures of pencil dresses from a High Street shop. “Oh, but with your curvy figure you’d look amazing in this” people have said. “Why thank you”, I reply, “but while I may be curvy, sadly I will wager that dress is not”

I have yet to find a pencil dress on the High Street that fits both my waist and hips. At both my biggest and my smallest my proportions have remained more or less the same and I have around an 11″ difference between my waist and hip measurements. The “average” UK woman apparently currently only has a difference of about 7″. Most shops will allow maybe a 9″ difference, but that still leaves me with a dress that is either pulling so tight on my hips I daren’t sit down for fear of seam disasters or so loose on my waist that I look like I’m wearing a sack. So if I want a fitted dress I either shop vintage or selected repro companies, or I stick with something with some stretch.

This 1950s version, for instance, fits like a dream!

Vintage-Wiggle-Dress

Skinny Jeans

Generally I don’t really wear jeans at all these days. I have always completely failed to understand how people find them a comfortable clothing item. They’re hardwearing, but unless I wear them 3 sizes too big I find the waistband digs in, I also find the fabric bulky and they bunch up behind my knees when I sit down and leave marks in my skin.

Yes, jeans suck, but if there’s one thing that sucks more than jeans, it’s skinny jeans. Whether they’re stretch or not they just look appalling on me. I have a curvy bum and heavy thighs, which believe it or not I actually like. I also have relatively short legs, which I don’t as it makes buying trousers hard and I feel disproportionate in flat shoes. Skinny jeans are specifically designed to highlight all the worst aspects of my legs. They will cling so tight on my bum and thighs, and the thick denim fabric combines with pockets and rivets will make me look wider than I am. Any pair of skinny jeans I can get over my hips will then no doubt be loose of my calves, as well as being far too long, and will therefore bunch up in an unattractive way at the ankles. They make my bottom half look like a wide triangle and I hate them.

DIE SKINNY JEANS DIE!

Shift Dresses

Ah you all look so cute in your little 60s inspired shifts. Especially those adorable ones with the little Peter Pan collars worn with ballet pumps! Again, short legs and curvy hips mean I think I look best in heels and something nipped at the waist. A short A-line shift and ballet pumps makes me look like a bedside lamp, and that is not a look that I personally feel is a good one for me.

I once was persuaded by a stylist to try on a voluminous wool cobalt blue shift dress with 3/4 length sleeves. I knew it was going to be hideous, and I was right, I looked like a Blue Meanie, literally, and when I walked out of the changing room the stylist was rendered speechless and entirely out of polite things to say. I am RIGHT about shift dresses on me. My Sister, however, who is slim hipped and seemingly made entirely out of legs makes them look gorgeous.

ShiftDress Warehouse @ASOS

This isn’t something I can’t physically wear, it’s something I can’t get my head around mentally. I look in the mirror or at photos and I see a lampshade, then I go an put on a belt.

Super Full Skirts

Obviously I wear full skirts quite a lot, but if you examine my full skirt history you’ll notice they’re mostly of the unpleated kind that skim your hips before swirling out and if I wear a petticoat it’ll have very little fabric at the hips and all its fullness at the bottom. I’m talking about those kind of beautiful prom skirts that hug your waist and then have lots of fabric pleated or gathered to the waistband that makes them stand out, even without a petticoat.

Coast Skirt

Skirt Coast @ASOS

I LOVE these skirts, and you would think that the tight waist and full hips would be perfect for my body shape, which is why I persist in buying, trying, and returning skirts in this style. They somehow contrive to make my waist disappear entirely while accentuating my hips to such a degree that I don’t look as if I am wearing a full skirt, but instead that somehow my stomach and hips fills ALL the space inside.

So yeah, these skirts might physically fit me, but when I look in the mirror expecting to see a touch of 1950s evening glamour, I, well I just don’t. I was trying to think of a hilarious analogy, but I can’t. They don’t suit me, and that makes me sad.

So yeah, there are some things I generally can’t physically get onto my body without discomfort, and others that I’m pretty sure most people would see me wearing and not take a second glance, but for me don’t achieve what I want from my clothing, which is (apart from the basics of covering up, keeping warm and/or cool) to make me feel like the best version of me that I imagine in my head. When the mirror version doesn’t match the head version, it’s time to ditch it as a style!

Are there any styles you’ve discounted from your wardrobe?

Comments

70 responses to “5 Things I Can't Wear”

  1. Mancunian Vintage (@Manc_Vintage) avatar
    Mancunian Vintage (@Manc_Vintage)

    I have the EXACT same issues with pencil skirts and dresses. The only ones I can wear comfortably (and look ok in) are the ones which have ALL the stretch in. Sad thing is they tend to go bobbly pretty quickly :/

    Don’t even get me started about jeans!

    Nice to know I’m not on my lonesome on this!

  2. Maja Ćorić avatar
    Maja Ćorić

    Now, that we’re talking no-no..
    I stand right next to you on jeans – except I have lately said “no” to all jeans. For some reason I have a feeling of un-natural discomfort while wearing them.
    Next, there’s the “sleeves” thing, just like yours.. I have broad sholders (funny, since most folks would say I’m slim – but my body’s masculine) and wearing puff sleeves makes me really, really.. clown-like.
    Third: pencil skirts – same as previous. When you’re looking like a boy, all forces must be taken to get some shape. 🙂

    Marija

  3. Philippa avatar
    Philippa

    I’m a UK 10/12 but can’t wear any trousers that are NOT high waisted, without my bum escaping over the waist band or down my legs. I can’t wear anything ‘midi’ due to short stumpy legs and anything floaty or ‘boho’ just swamps me or makes me look pregnant. I’ve finally accepted these things, aged 36, and now just wear what I know looks best on me. Kudos to those who just wear want they want though, I’m just not that brave.

    1. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      I don’t think it’s bravery! You wear what you want, because you wear what YOU find makes you look and feel good!

  4. Mim McDonald (@crinolinerobot) avatar
    Mim McDonald (@crinolinerobot)

    High-waisted trousers – it’s a combination of a thick waist plus large boobs, which by their very nature occupy more space on the rib cage. The thick waist means I can only find them to fit my waist OR my hips, never both, and if I wear them baggy enough to fit my waist there’s a saggy bum at the back and polterwang (as the Fug Girls would describe it) at the front. Plus the waist goes virtually to my boobs, making them look too low. I don’t care how ‘vintage’ they are, I don’t do high-waisted trousers!

    Anything that shows my tummy. I don’t know if other people *would* care, but I don’t like to jiggle the jello at people.

    Anything that requires me to go braless. Support your local bust, I say 😉

    Cropped trousers. Not so much Audrey in Paris as Nana in Bournemouth.

    You can add me to the ‘no jeans’ club too. I have no idea whether they do or do not do anything for me, I just don’t likew wearing them.

    1. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      Argh! Yes, I have an issue with cropped trousers too! My short legs mean they are always too long and look frumpy. I have one pair that I have to roll up to get away with, just!

  5. Beth Paton avatar
    Beth Paton

    1920’s drop-waist dresses, clingy bias-cut frocks and boxy, androgynous tailoring all look terrible on me as I am a curvy pear-shape. I agree with you on skinny jeans – they are of the devil and should be shunned! I am quite fond of pencil skirts and dresses though, provided the fabric is a little stretchy.

  6. Jordan avatar
    Jordan

    Nooo, you can wear anything as long as you’re confident! xD just kidding

    I think you wrote my list. Anything that’s high-waisted (jeans, shorts, pencil skirts) cuts me off too high and makes my butt look huge. Low-slung skinny jeans are a fashion killer. I love loose, flowy blouses, but with a big chest and small waist I end up looking like a soviet-era refugee tent… so those are out. Always cinch the waist, is my motto.

    Flats are another, I think they were made to go along with peter-pan collars and shift dresses, not for us hourglass shapes.

    And colour, I adore certain colours like champagne, copper, and very pale teal but they wash me out *sigh*

    I hate hate hate the pants/skirts waist problem! Some of us do have bigger hips, manufacturers!

    1. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      Ha ha! Oh anything loose and flowy is a total no for me too!

  7. kirsten Murphy avatar
    kirsten Murphy

    Oh I totally get the puffed sleeves, indeed most long sleeves too, unless the material has some give, I feel and look like a bricklayer! I also avoid high necks now or my boobs look like a shelf for resting my cuppa on!

    1. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      Oh yes, I have the high neck issue too!

  8. pixieanna avatar
    pixieanna

    I am up there with you on non stretch pencil dresses/skirts. I have a 10″ hip/waist difference and the only non stretch pencil skirts I own I made myself. Shift dresses and flat shoes….when you have legs like a pit pony they are a definite no no! High necks are out for me. I refused to wear my work t shirts because they are high necks and as one of my work mates so elegantly put it; my boobs entered the room five minutes before I did.

    I have one pair of jeans, they’re slim leg not the dreaded skinny and I bought them from Collectif. They’re designed for women with a larger than average hip/waist ratio and they fit me well and I feel good wearing them.

  9. Natasha avatar
    Natasha

    You basically hit the nail on the head for me with all of these! Especially jeans. How can people find them comfy I don’t know…

    My biggest clothing issue comes with 3/4 length sleeves. I have long arms so most 3/4 sleeves fall right on my elbow joint… Right where it’s always too tight. 🙁 idk if my elbow joint is bigger than others (I am double jointed but I’m not sure if that’s a factor)?! It’s such a shame because I have two dresses in particular – one vintage – which fit perfectly everywhere besides the sleeve ends :'(

    I also struggle with Capri style trousers on my massive calf muscles haha. They’re always too tight. I go up a size & they’re far too loose on my hips/waist.

  10. CiCi Marie avatar
    CiCi Marie

    I loved this post so much that after my phone refused to offer me the option to comment (??), I came back to do it on my computer 🙂 There’s so many, many things on my ‘can’t wear, won’t wear’ list. I think the #1 offender is any kind of ‘smock’ shape that flows from my chest. Instant tent effect when you’re curvy and short.

    1. pixieanna avatar
      pixieanna

      Is there any shape that suits smocks? (apart from heavily pregnant ladies)

  11. Jodie avatar
    Jodie

    There are definatly clothes I simply cannot wear.
    * Anything with built in cups/ or any sort of sewn in chest area.
    * like you high-street pencil dressesgape at my waist
    * the colour yellow
    * blouses or shirts-or anything with a button front

  12. Alice avatar
    Alice

    I have to admit: when I first saw the picture, I liked the shift dress. After I read your text, I had the same sensation I see a lampshade. Not good. 😉

  13. Rebecca Young avatar
    Rebecca Young

    I have an aversion to denim so definitely no jeans – I just don’t like the image. I never used to wear trousers but was persuaded to buy a pair and now wear them quite often in the winter

  14. Jessica avatar
    Jessica

    I am right there with you on the skinny jeans. I have really muscular legs, and I don’t think I’ve ever found a pair that really fit in the calves, thighs, and waist all at once. Other than that, though, I can’t think of anything that I steer clear of 100% of the time anymore. I’m also pretty muscular and curvy, and I used to feel really restricted with my silhouettes, but I feel like it’s all about tweaking proportions a little bit and making sure everything fits properly. I even have a drop waist dress now that I really like, and I used to feel like they were the worst thing ever on me.

  15. lizamber avatar
    lizamber

    I love skinny jeans, I’m very tall with long legs, so I can just throw them on and know I will look at least ok. I have problems with anything too feminine, as it can look a bit drag queen! Puffed sleeves just look ridiculous on me.

  16. Alison avatar
    Alison

    I can’t wear polo necks or high necked outfits – makes looking for some vintage styled dresses a bit difficult 🙁 – Thanks for writing this post as I’d been under the impression you could wear anything! 😉

    1. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      Ha ha! No, I just only wear things I know I can! 😀

    2. Gemma avatar
      Gemma

      Oh no, I just only wear the things I know I can!

  17. tomasi Suluape avatar
    tomasi Suluape

    You look pretty. It was nice reading your article. I hate pufff sleeves.